Breaking Bad-shaped hole

We are baking banana and chocolate cake from the Rose Bakery cookbook, and all smells lovely and I am sure to the casual burglar (who may or may not be lurking outside my flat, trying to look inside to see if we have replaced the laptop and iPad) that we look like a very well-functioning family who don’t just watch telly on a Monday afternoon, but who BAKE. With the kids, even. Except that, beyond the dirty t-shirt and harassed-baking-face,  I am actually broken, a shell, a trembling sorrowful tangled mess of nerves and achy bones and bruised knees. That is because the children are quite awful. I have just been out with them and they have alternately bitten me, rode their scooters into a disabled woman, broken some signs, screamed so loudly that the smiling Brazilian staff at Rodizio Rico came out and clapped, thrown nectarines around Waitrose in a temper, pulled an Elmo from a window display and broken his tag off, and OF COURSE both of them kept turning on the whirring fans in the hardware shop and yelling into them, laughing at their voices sounding all choppy, while the man said “Don’t let them do that, their fingers will get cut off” while I kept crouching down and pulling them roughly away, as I attempted to find the correct-sized lightbulbs for our bedside lamps and it was all SO TERRIBLE! So embarrassing. I could feel the tutting as palpably as if someone had pinched me on the bum. You just know people think you are a mess of a parent, and that those kids should have better behaviour in public, and that the only one to blame is you. And then my new Zara sequinned jacket started to pull at the threads, and I started to shout a bit and grab arms and get that sweaty upper lip and then we went home and I had to sit in a darkened room for a bit to calm down.

I do know that this is part of the job but I do wonder sometimes if everyone’s children are quite so feral and quite so embarrassing. On the way to the Shopping Trip Of Shame I met a mother from nursery who recognised Casper. She quickly launched into telling me that Casper wants to marry her daughter, and that Casper and his best pal H try to kiss her daughter, and they have been displaying their bottoms to said daughter. She wasn’t laughing, so I took my cue from this and said I would have a few words with him about appropriate bottom-displaying.

Casper! Do you want to marry L?

Yes, mum, she is a girl. We try to kiss her. but she doesn’t really like it.

Do you show her your bottom?

No. 

Well. Good. Let’s keep bottoms for home, shall we?

And I have left it at that. I am assuming he is telling the truth about the bottom-sharing. I hope.

Enough about my parental anxieties. It’s a bit boring and I expect I am not the only one to have accidentally raised violent delinquents. (I just re-read that as “Violet Daiquiris”. That would be quite a bit nicer, all in all, don’t you think?)

Anyway, I did this to my eyebrows last week.

I think they are a touch too BLACK and SCOUSER. I have been wearing my sunglasses everywhere, indoors, outdoors, night-time, daytime, while I wait for them to fade into something a little less black. Casper asked me to take off the ‘black things’ and that I looked like a man, while Noah interjected with “She doesn’t look like a man! She looks like a lady dressed up as a man!”

Sigh. Anyway.

And as for me and my spare time, when I am not weeping from the shame of tantrumming nutters, I have a huge traumatic Breaking Bad-sized hole in my heart. We have watched four seasons and it is so good I nearly choked. I am trying to find a replacement but I fear there is no better TV writing in the whole wide world. Please do correct me if I am wrong. I know that I could always read of an evening, or talk to my husband, or do the books, but, on balance, those violet daiquiris render me incoherent at about 8:28pm and so lying down on the couch, self-medicated and silent, watching a morality tale set in a meth-lab in New Mexico is all I can manage. Honestly though – it’s better than The Wire.  Big statement, I know.

Right. Time for some photos.

He does my head in:

And he does my head in:

So do they:

So I tuck into this:

And in other sports-related news, we have tickets to go and see the taekwondo at the Olympics. How excellent and completely odd is that? We are taking the older violent daiquiris. It will be all a bit martial-arty and foreign.

That is all. Please send me box-set suggestions to help me cope with the loss of Walter White and his increasingly genius evilness.

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24 Responses to Breaking Bad-shaped hole

  1. Jo says:

    I was just reading this and laughing and sort of crying when James came in and announced “I’ve done a poo on the floor. I just squeezed it out.” Oh, update: he just ran in and said “You can’t come with me, I’m just going to get a knife and poke that poo.” Had best clean it up now.

  2. Jo says:

    Anyway, kids: who needs em? Let’s start to fantastise about/plan our next child free vacation. xxx

    • theharridan says:

      Soooo hoping the poo poking went well for the both of you. Ack! As for vacations sans children, I say YES PLEASE. As you say, somewhere with nice hospitals, should the need arise. Amsterdam?

  3. vnmw says:

    Your face is gorgeous and drink as much wine as you need!..lol

  4. The eyebrows look great, and you are hilarious – win win!

  5. Bronwyn says:

    Oh Jods we have justs finishsed watching breaking bad to and are at a loss as to how to fill in our evenings aswell when you find something let us know.

    • theharridan says:

      Apparently Deadwood is good, as is Justified. But I can’t imagine anything can top BB. Have you seen season 4?

  6. Brittany says:

    Having never seen you until this post, I think your eyebrow color is great!! It enhances your eyes. Sorta creepy sounding..haha.

    • theharridan says:

      Thank you! They are a little like the car wash guy’s brows in Breaking Bad, actually. Black and thick and out of control. But, change is as good as a holiday, etc etc.

  7. Georgie says:

    Oh Jodi. You are unendingly funny and clever and you can do it. Just think about all the revenge you can have on them when they’re older and especially prone to embarrassment.
    I think your eyebrows look great too.
    I wish I was in London to come and embarrass your kids and hang out with you. We could run off for the day and leave the daiquiris with mark….heheheh.

  8. Georgie says:

    Oh yeah! And I can’t believe you said Breaking Bad is better than the Wire!!! My god, I had better find it. Ben H knows a fair few good tv series, I’ll ask him. He told me but I forgot.
    PS I miss you.

    • theharridan says:

      Thank you my darling new bride. I hope you are feeling well, in your fecund glory. I miss you too x

  9. Cath says:

    The only time s that boys are NOT being naughty is during sport, at the beach, or at the park. All other environments are just asking for trouble. As a mother of four sons, I know this to be true. Sigh. Now, let us design a violet daiquiri.

    • theharridan says:

      Designing a violet daiquiri is a stroke of genius. I suspect there should be something passion fruity and rose watery. Yes? Sort of Turkish delight with a sour hit?

  10. Lucy says:

    Oh good, someone out there with children more embarrassing than mine. Our oldest son just happened to tell my in-laws’ oldest and probably dearest friend to “keep his mouth closed while eating” during a big family and friends dinner. OUT LOUD. Can relax now; you’re worse off than me. Go and get yourself a violet daiquiri, even though it’s not even noon yet!

    • theharridan says:

      Oh man, that must have been excruciating! And I do love to hear tales of other awful parenting moments. It does feel like it is just yours sometimes. Soooo glad I’m not alone in finding it a bit mortifying.

  11. Jessica says:

    My surprise tv addiction has been Revenge. Highly addictive & twisty. I am told Homeland is excellent. But when my violet daquiris are playing up I turn to my trashy lifesavers: NZ or Americas next top model, Project Runway & Survivor. Do not ask me to explain why they are good. There is no sensible explanation.
    Now, between earthquakes, midnight toddler baths to remove dried bum-crack poo, & breastfeeding the baby AGAIN, I feel like 330am is just about time for bed.

    • theharridan says:

      Ha! That is awesome, the dried poo bit! Aren’t they revolting? And yes to Homeland. Is on my boxset list. Just have tO get through husband’s dodgy choice of Spartacus. Sigh.

  12. Vic says:

    Love the picture of Ned sulking by ‘that’ wall! Wonder what made him cross!

  13. Rosie says:

    Mad Men. Don Draper is the best therapy x

  14. Don’t worry too much, we all do our best and also hope for the best.

    My boy is 26, and he still gives me troubled nights, except it’s no longer “Can I have a drink of water” at 3am, it’s “Can you give me a lift home from Cuba Street, i’m too pissed to drive” at 4am..
    Enjoy the vino (I hope it’s a Sav from Blenheim)

  15. saskialbaron says:

    Mine has just been vile to Fiona’s older boy, and pretty horrid to friends’ three charming boys while spending lovely weekend with them in gorgeous countryside, where I would have liked to be invited to visit again but now doubt we will even feature on Christmas card list….and then, once no-one is around, he apologies and says he won’t do it again, and I just want to banish him from my sight forever and wonder what I did in the raising that made such behaviour occur on regular basis….oh dear. Shall we put them up for mass adoption?
    And on the boxed set front….I have Treme (New Orleans, crime, music, post-Katrina) and Black Books (British quirky comedy with Tamsin Grieg, Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey) and the next season of Nurse Jackie and the first three episode of Girls which hasn’t played here yet and would certainly shock Mark but might well appeal to you….you can borrow any/all as long as you can play American/NTSC DVDs because a lot my stuff is gift from LA friend who reviews TV.. in return, I would love to borrow Breaking Bad as friends in gorgeous countryside were raving about it…..And any time you need a glass of white, it’s in the fridge…

  16. Alison Cross says:

    I can recommend Black Books because it’s got the permanently drunk Dylan Moran and the excellent Tamsin Greig…the one where they are house-sitting and get drunk on the Wrong Wine is excellent.

    May I also suggest Malcolm in The Middle. I am the only person on the planet who seems to have never missed an episode. I am proud to say that I model my own parenting skills on Lois :)

    Not seen Breaking Bad. Must now tootle off and investigate!

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